The UK has just passed a generational ban on tobacco. That is, anyone born on or after January 1, 2009 will be permanently banned from ever buying any tobacco products legally. Like, ever.
But why stop at tobacco? Why not apply that to ALL adult rights, privileges, and responsibilities? Why don't we simply do that the for the age of majority in general? Based on the general cutoff for Generation Alpha, how about simply declaring anyone born after January 1, 2010 to be perpetual minors? Or perhaps until they prove themselves otherwise through some arbitrary tests?
If you were born before that date, the status quo rules apply, and you are thus grandfathered in by the skin of your teeth. You truly lucked out. But if you were born before that date, you are SOL.
How will this affect you, if born after that date? Not only will you be forbidden from buying or using alcohol, tobacco, cannabis, or any other age restricted products (there is always the black market to fall back on), but also voting, driving, contracts, consent to sex, marriage, and pretty much everything else. Oh, and you will also be permanently banned from social media as well.
But don't worry, Gen Alpha, you WILL still be fully able to join the military and go to war at 18 if we, your betters, deem it necessary for you to fight for the wealth of the few....I mean "national security" and "making the world safe for democracy!"
And if you are caught doing anything illegal, including the new "status offenses" you will be subject to, rest assured that you WILL be tried and punished as adults. That's because we, your betters, can be as whimsical as we want. You do what we say, and we'll do what we wanna do. Because reasons.
Now, if you behave yourselves like good boys and girls, we MIGHT just open up a pathway for you to prove yourselves and earn "conditional adulthood". You can go take some tests of our choosing at this newly created agency of ours that looks and feels suspiciously like a clone of the DMV, of course. If you pass by our arbitrary standards, and we are in a good mood that day, then you will be treated thereafter as a quasi-adult with some of the conditional privileges typically associated with adulthood. Your ID will be upgraded to reflect that, and will be colloquially known as a "freedom tag" or "passport to freedom". But remember, this is entirely conditional on following the rules that go along with it. Break those rules, and you will go back to being a minor, and you belong to the state.
Those rules include a very strict work requirement, by the way. You will work wherever we assign you to, for as many hours as we assign you to. And you shall report directly to your overseer....I mean supervisor, which literally means the same thing, only Latinized to make it sound nicer. Not like you could get out of all that by remaining a perpetual minor, of course. You would have to either way, because we said so. It will just be done in somewhat better taste as a conditional quasi-adult.
Remember, as the saying goes, "work will set you free". Which admittedly sounded much better in the original German.
(Wow, that escalated quickly!)
Again this is SATIRE. So let's keep it that way!
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